I could have made my living as a stand-up comic if I would have written down
all of the humor I heard in the teachers' lounge. Now that teachers are
returning to their home away from home, here is a selection of "good" jokes
I have been saving to add more smiles to, what can be, a long day. They are
free to use by anyone wishing to help put a smile on someone's face.
A Church Joke:
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a well-worn twenty-dollar bill arrived at a
Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to
be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced
about its travels all over the country.
"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las
Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on
Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean."
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!" "So
tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one-dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the
Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church." The twenty-dollar bill interrupts,
"What's a church?"
A blonde joke:
A blonde is racing down the road and gets pulled over by a highway patrol
officer who happens to be blond. "May I see your driver's license?" The
blonde looks in her purse and can't find it. The officer says, "It's flat
and square and has your picture on it." The blonde finally finds a pocket
mirror, looks at it and asks, "Is this it." The officer looks at it and
says, "Gee, I didn't know you were a highway patrol officer too."
A husband and wife joke:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel
and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the
next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to
drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and
leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and returns upstairs. When she gets to
the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?' She replies, "It was Bob the
next door neighbor." "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about
the $800 he owes me?"
A food joke:
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each
student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that
represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class
and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary.
I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary." The third student got in up front of
the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Lutheran, and this is a
casserole."
Another blonde joke:
Bambi, a blonde, sat in her US government college class. "Can you tell me
what Roe vs. Wade was about?" the professor asked. Bambi pondered the
question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to
make before he crossed the Delaware."
An Irish joke:
Two elderly Irish drinking buddies are sitting at the pub pondering on
the future. One says to the other: "You know Mr. O'Shea, we've had great
sport together for many years. It just came to mind that should it be I
who should happen to go first, it would mean a great deal to me if you
would say a few kind words at 'me' grave."
The other friend responds: "That I'll do, Mr.O'Donnel, that I'll do. But
should it be I who should happen to go first, for old times sake I'd be
forever grateful if you would pour a bottle of Irish whiskey over 'me'
grave.
The friend responds: "That I'll do. But about the Irish
whiskey............would you mind it so much if it should happen to pass
through 'me' kidneys first?"
Park Bench Joke:
Two old ladies are sitting on a hard park bench for a few hours. One says:
"I think my butt fell asleep."
The other said: "Yeah, I heard it snore a couple of times."
Getting The Kids Home Joke:
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and
says," I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and
I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight
of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and
I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell
her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck
they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my
brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a
thing."
The man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're
coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way. What are we going to do
for Christmas?"
Teachers, don't forget to laugh in the lounge this year and keep smiling.
Who Is John?